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When life gives you lemons

I'm not someone who dwels in self pity, I always am very aware that I am very fortunate for my position , where many have nit been so fortunate But lately life has been dealing me a shit loads of lemons, like huge sour fuckers one after the other , and I'm feeling pathetic as fuck with it. I was admitted to hospital on Saturday because my kidney function was off and my creatine levels were a bit high at 250. I was phoned on Friday but I had a wedding in inverurie on Saturday and they said it could wait. I was put on iv fluids, to help hydrate them. Turns out it didn't help too much so I was discharged on the wednesday. UNFORTUNATELY BY the Thursday evening my stomach was so bloated that I was unable to breathe right and we made the call with help from my sister to go to the hospital. My amazing team on 7d knew that it just wasn't like me to be in this amount of pain and after xray, ct and a dose of morphine we got a huge ng tube down and the air rushed up.
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Don't remember me

What's the use in living if we never die? Life without death loses all meaning. Don't remember me forever but  smile when you see somthing that reminds you of me. Don't let your memories bring you sadness and pain for life needs to be lived with as much joy as you can. Share our stories when the moment arises, of fun , of laughter, of silly drunken antics and endless late nights.   Life is not infinite , memories are not forever, but our friendship and love lived on until there was and is  no you or me.
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The hugs are free the drugs will cost you

So last night I met one of my all time idols Michelle Visage !! If you don't who she is then I can't be fucked explaining, just kidding , Michelle is a judge on Ru Paul's drag race and also co presents one of my favourite pod casts What's the T with Ru. My friend Donna and I got tickets for the Christmas queen night which was a host of fabulous drag queens performing in glasgow. Donna contacted Michelle because we didn't get a chance to do meet and greet , mainly because when the tickets first went on sale we didn't know if I would be alive for the show no that sounds terrible but it's true. So Michelle put us on the guest list. We stood in the queue to meet Michelle and I promised I wasn't going to cry mainly because it would be creepy and also I'd spent ages doing my makeup. And then I was face to face with one of my idols and I had to thank her thank her for all the podcasts that I could escape to whilst I was in hospital thank her for h
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Survivors guilt

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Survivor guilt  is a particular type of  guilt  that may develop in people who have survived a life-threatening situation.  I've never experienced survivors guilt before but I have heard the term many times when talking about transplant. But for me it's never been an issue.  I have always had an all encompassing gratitude to my donor and their family  but I also know I could not control my donors death and they saved me but I feel joy and thanks at that gift . But lately I've started to feel guilt. Maybe because there have been a lot of near death experiences this year and with this whole liver thing I'm becoming superstitious again, feel like I'm tempting fate and a little ocd. I know in my head that the way I act or what I do won't have any impact on what happens but sometimes I can't stop my head from thinking thoughts.  I'm having to wear wigs now as my hair is still falling out, my big sis looked at me the other night and told me my 200 pound
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Better liver alone

So this week has been eventful, last week I had lung transplant clinic and my Dr in Newcastle told me that he had, had to pill a lot of strings for the liver transplant team to see me. Reason being on paper, after this year I would most likely not be even asked for assessment but he spoke to his friend who is a liver doctor and asked them to just meet me. Ha no pressure eh, basically I have to try and show them that I'm ready for this, that my body after almost dying a few times this year will cope and my mind is strong enough. So how did it all go? updated on 15th December 2017 I was accepted onto the list, on Monday I go meet the surgeon and sign all the documentation. It's the best outcome though I guess I had hoped that they would tell me.my liver had made a miraculous recovery. But it didn't.  . . Everyone tells me (doctors included ) that having gone through a lung transplant this will be easy in comparison but I can't help but feel my journey wasn'
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Rant rant rant

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I need a rant so before I begin, yes I know I'm fortunate, yes I know people.have it much worse and mostly every single day this is how I feel. Unfortunately  though today I feel I need this rant off.my.chest, it's ok not to feel.100% positive all the time because I'm it human. Earlier this week I sat in my bed with dougie and just said I just want a bloody day where C.F. isn't all encompassing on me. The toughest aspect for me at the moment is my appearance, and I know that , considering I skipped death a fee times this year I can't expect to be ok. But I'm inpatient, I'm still weak, I'm still skinny apart from my protruding belly and I'm going bald. It happened after tx and I was told it was down to steroids and the stress my body went under so I'm not surprised but it's hard to look in the mirror and not be able to transform yourself the way you usually can. I feel.bad for.my husband , who I must say has told me so.many times
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Week twelve is about to begin

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I hope this blog is coming to an end soon, what I mean is that I hope my time in hospital for just now is almost over and I won't have to try and update people on what's been happening. I apologise for the terrible spelling and grammar throughout this blog but my main priorities were to try and document what was happening in the hope that other folk going through shit would know it gets better. The changes my body has had to cope with over the past three months has been phenomenal, that if still works boggles my mind and that I am still standing here well . . . that was always going to be the case. I definitely didn't do this blog to gain sympathy or even to make people think I'm so brave or inspirational. I've states many time before in previous posts that these kind if words almost make me heave. I tried to.post the link to my blog the other day and ended up with five comments like don't give up , keep fighting etc. Now apologies if this were you who
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