Rant rant rant
I need a rant so before I begin, yes I know I'm fortunate, yes I know people.have it much worse and mostly every single day this is how I feel.
Unfortunately though today I feel I need this rant off.my.chest, it's ok not to feel.100% positive all the time because I'm it human.
Earlier this week I sat in my bed with dougie and just said
I just want a bloody day where C.F. isn't all encompassing on me.
The toughest aspect for me at the moment is my appearance, and I know that , considering I skipped death a fee times this year I can't expect to be ok. But I'm inpatient, I'm still weak, I'm still skinny apart from my protruding belly and I'm going bald.
It happened after tx and I was told it was down to steroids and the stress my body went under so I'm not surprised but it's hard to look in the mirror and not be able to transform yourself the way you usually can.
I feel.bad for.my husband , who I must say has told me so.many times that he just wants me here, he doesn't care what I look like, that he loves me but I'm not used to dealing with this.
I'm used to having everything inside and projecting a super healthy me.on the outsidr. Man I even got into trouble.from.my.family whilst I was gravely ill in the hospital for.making myself look too good with hair and makeup. But that's how I cope and now that is being taken from me and I'm struggling a bit.
I'm inpatient in my fitness but I also know I have come on leaps and bounds, I can now get out the bath tub without calling in the hubby, I was at a wedding last week and I danced for the first time in ages with my hubby.
The small things AND big things are everything but it's a tough slog.
I got.my date through for liver tx assessment , I cried when I opened the letter, but I also know this could make such a difference in my life. When I went for lung tx assessment I purposely didn't want to know much information, I put my life into my.doctors hands and I had the mantra of, if it's for me.
After the recent scares, mainly the sepsis , I realise im not ok with saving everyone. But I have to think that worrying about the outcome won't help anything, so I'll try not to.
That's my rant done for just now.
Unfortunately though today I feel I need this rant off.my.chest, it's ok not to feel.100% positive all the time because I'm it human.
Earlier this week I sat in my bed with dougie and just said
I just want a bloody day where C.F. isn't all encompassing on me.
The toughest aspect for me at the moment is my appearance, and I know that , considering I skipped death a fee times this year I can't expect to be ok. But I'm inpatient, I'm still weak, I'm still skinny apart from my protruding belly and I'm going bald.
It happened after tx and I was told it was down to steroids and the stress my body went under so I'm not surprised but it's hard to look in the mirror and not be able to transform yourself the way you usually can.
I feel.bad for.my husband , who I must say has told me so.many times that he just wants me here, he doesn't care what I look like, that he loves me but I'm not used to dealing with this.
I'm used to having everything inside and projecting a super healthy me.on the outsidr. Man I even got into trouble.from.my.family whilst I was gravely ill in the hospital for.making myself look too good with hair and makeup. But that's how I cope and now that is being taken from me and I'm struggling a bit.
I'm inpatient in my fitness but I also know I have come on leaps and bounds, I can now get out the bath tub without calling in the hubby, I was at a wedding last week and I danced for the first time in ages with my hubby.
The small things AND big things are everything but it's a tough slog.
I got.my date through for liver tx assessment , I cried when I opened the letter, but I also know this could make such a difference in my life. When I went for lung tx assessment I purposely didn't want to know much information, I put my life into my.doctors hands and I had the mantra of, if it's for me.
After the recent scares, mainly the sepsis , I realise im not ok with saving everyone. But I have to think that worrying about the outcome won't help anything, so I'll try not to.
That's my rant done for just now.
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