Come play my game

What's the use in living if we never die? Life without death loses all meaning. Don't remember me forever but  smile when you see somthing that reminds you of me. Don't let your memories bring you sadness and pain for life needs to be lived with as much joy as you can. Share our stories when the moment arises, of fun , of laughter, of silly drunken antics and endless late nights.   Life is not infinite , memories are not forever, but our friendship and love lived on until there was and is  no you or me.

So last night I met one of my all time idols Michelle Visage !! If you don't who she is then I can't be fucked explaining, just kidding , Michelle is a judge on Ru Paul's drag race and also co presents one of my favourite pod casts What's the T with Ru. My friend Donna and I got tickets for the Christmas queen night which was a host of fabulous drag queens performing in glasgow. Donna contacted Michelle because we didn't get a chance to do meet and greet , mainly because when the tickets first went on sale we didn't know if I would be alive for the show no that sounds terrible but it's true. So Michelle put us on the guest list. We stood in the queue to meet Michelle and I promised I wasn't going to cry mainly because it would be creepy and also I'd spent ages doing my makeup. And then I was face to face with one of my idols and I had to thank her thank her for all the podcasts that I could escape to whilst I was in hospital thank her for h

Survivor guilt  is a particular type of  guilt  that may develop in people who have survived a life-threatening situation.  I've never experienced survivors guilt before but I have heard the term many times when talking about transplant. But for me it's never been an issue.  I have always had an all encompassing gratitude to my donor and their family  but I also know I could not control my donors death and they saved me but I feel joy and thanks at that gift . But lately I've started to feel guilt. Maybe because there have been a lot of near death experiences this year and with this whole liver thing I'm becoming superstitious again, feel like I'm tempting fate and a little ocd. I know in my head that the way I act or what I do won't have any impact on what happens but sometimes I can't stop my head from thinking thoughts.  I'm having to wear wigs now as my hair is still falling out, my big sis looked at me the other night and told me my 200 pound

So this week has been eventful, last week I had lung transplant clinic and my Dr in Newcastle told me that he had, had to pill a lot of strings for the liver transplant team to see me. Reason being on paper, after this year I would most likely not be even asked for assessment but he spoke to his friend who is a liver doctor and asked them to just meet me. Ha no pressure eh, basically I have to try and show them that I'm ready for this, that my body after almost dying a few times this year will cope and my mind is strong enough. So how did it all go? updated on 15th December 2017 I was accepted onto the list, on Monday I go meet the surgeon and sign all the documentation. It's the best outcome though I guess I had hoped that they would tell me.my liver had made a miraculous recovery. But it didn't.  . . Everyone tells me (doctors included ) that having gone through a lung transplant this will be easy in comparison but I can't help but feel my journey wasn'